I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
