when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My ATM looks so different sober.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
