Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Randomize
