were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
