I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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