at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
