I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize