it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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