I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
