What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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