The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize