i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
