I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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