my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
