wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
