My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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