dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
