I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Randomize
