Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
