Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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