ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
