haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize