I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
