also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
