I heard we made out
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
