the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
