Already got asked if we're dating
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
