Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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