He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
