While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
