Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
