The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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