my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
