it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
