...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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