Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
