hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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