Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Who did Billy Mays play for?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
