I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
