I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
