I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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