Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize