i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
