i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
