yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
