I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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