I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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