every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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