he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
