News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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