just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
