Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
