well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
