dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
