Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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