whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
