The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
