Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize